Life is never what you plan for....

I'm "sleeved" but not after a long, bumpy road. Surgery went OK, I was released on schedule and I came home to sip my protein and water. But a week and a half later, I just didn't feel right and I started having chest pains. So I went to the ER.

It was a horrific experience. I told the nurses and doctor several times, "I had bariatric surgery a week and a half ago, I'm Dr. XXX's patient." They didn't listen. They tested my heart, etc., etc., and sent me home with orders to take an aspirin a day. Huh? If it wasn't my heart, why do I have to take aspirin?

So the next day, after getting in at 5 a.m. after the night long ER visit, I felt like sh*t. And then I started running a fever. So I called my surgeon's office. They put me right through to my doctor and he was very apologetic for not seeing me the night before in the hospital - he was there!! So he had me go in for another barium swallow test (they make you drink this awful stuff and xray it as it goes down, to check for stomach leaks.) Then, after that was OK, I walked over to my doctor's office. He took one look at me and said "You don't look good. I think you're dehydrated and I want to admit you for the night."

Well, that one night turned into eight days and long story short, I did have a leak in my stomach, which meant I needed a drain to get rid of the abscess in my abdomen. Actually, I needed another drain after the first one slipped. I have never been so sick in my life as I was in that hospital. Fortunately I had excellent, caring nurses and Jeff by my side. He slept over in that recliner by my bed several nights. It was good to know if I woke up, he was there.

I went home with a PICC and on IV for both antibiotic and nutrition. This mean I was NPO (nothing by mouth, not even water) for three weeks. It was hellish, but I don't think I would have made it through without Jeff would listened to me cry, hugged me, supported me and took better care of me than any nurse could. (I had TWO visiting nurses coming in, too.)

After a few rough spots (NOT set backs my surgeons assured me) last Thursday I FINALLY got the drain and PICC out. After a week on liquids, I'm on the puree stage which is heavenly. Soup is great, even if it's so blenderized a baby could eat it. LOL

Don't asked me if I regret the surgery. I'm not sure. I'll let you know in a month when I'm back to normal.

What a difference a few months makes

My last blog post was in November and that's a shame. But life got in the way, and well, excuses, excuses, I know.

Well, it's July and I'm not pregnant. But this is ok. It was stressful to try and get pregnant but just as we were ready to work with the specialist and try IUI, something sort of made us stop. It just wasn't the time. We have bills to pay, we have a small condo and well, what the heck was I thinking trying to get pregnant at my current weight. I'm morbidly obese, my cholesterol's above what it should be and I have constant back, hip and foot pain. Something sort of clicked in my head. I also got a message in the mail.

I got a flyer about weight loss surgery at my local hospital and decided to to the seminar. Jeff came with me. We listened to the surgeon, got all the literature and we went home and pondered it. We knew Jeff's insurance would cover it, so that was a no brainer. But it's a big decision.

But something inside me said, do it, you'd be stupid not to. So after much testing, researching and thinking, I have decided to get the gastric sleeve. I originally thought I'd go with the Lap-Band, but after reading up on it, visiting forums and talking to people, doing some research, I decided the sleeve was for me. A lot of band patients end up going to the sleeve or the by-pass and I do not want another surgery after this. So with Jeff's support, I'm getting "sleeved" this Tuesday.

Yup, that's right, I'm going under the knife on Tuesday, July 12th. I've been on a special diet for nearly three weeks now to prep for it. It's been protein shakes and raw veggies, with cream of wheat here and there. It sucks. But as a result, I've lost 16 pounds. The more you lose-pre-op, the better, because you shrink your liver and it makes it easier to operate. So I have not cheated. I know, this means I am really serious about this endeavor.

But I couldn't be taking this on without Jeff. He's been awesome and supportive. And he said I haven't been too bitchy on this diet. LOL He's taking most of next week off to help me and be with me and that means so much. I know as soon as I wake up, I'll want him by my side. And the surgeon said he can be with me until they wheel me in. Yikes.

The visual of wheeling me into the operating room is a tough one. It scares me! But I suppose I'll have to get over it.

I've been reading a lot of things online about people who have done it. YouTube is full of video montages of people's stories, video blogs and before and after pictures. They are pretty inspiring, but some of pretty annoying. I love the ones with this inspirational music in the background - NOT. Ok, I'm cynical and I'm sure I'll feel different when I start really losing. But I promise, no video montages.

Hopefully this time next year I'll have lost my weight and Jeff and I have worked on paying bills off so we can start the family thing. But we'll see.....

Been a while

It's been a while since I last blogged and hubby reminded me of this last night. Things have been busy. I worked two jobs for a while but decided the stress level wasn't worth it, so I quit the weekend gig. I'm poorer now, but happier.

I've been busy with the full time job and with my new passion, embroidery. I made my step daughter a quilt for her birthday in August with fleece and embroidery and now I'm working on one for my SIL. I'm also working on all sorts of projects for people for Christmas. I'm a bit obsessed, but I love it. There is nothing better than settling down with Jeff at night to watch t.v. with a hoop in hand. It's so rewarding to see the finished project. It's such a small thing but it makes me happy. I'm also obsessed with embroidery and craft blogs now, but there are worse things in life.

On the baby front, well, so far, no baby. We went to see a fertility specialist and got all these tests, but we decided that we weren't really trying very hard before. We were just sort of leaving it up to chance. So now we're trying. And it's stressful and unromantic and, again, stressful. But we'll see what happens. If need be, we can certainly explore the options with the fertility doctor, but right now, we're taking matters into our own hands. I've been on blogs about it and talked to friends who have gone through and it after all that, I'm trying to keep a level head about it.

With the holidays coming, I can't afford to be stressed to the max about baby making, but it's hard. I'd love to have a child with Jeff. He's an amazing father now and he has such a generous heart. And he loves kids. He lights up when he sees our nephews or friends' kids, or even a cute baby at the store. I know having another one of his own would really make him shine with pride.

He hasn't putting pressure on me about it, and we're trying to stay grounded. But I must admit, I'm anxious to see what happens on the 30th, which is the day I can actually test to see if our first concentrated efforts worked. But as he said, "It could take a few months." At least one of us is firmly grounded in reality.

Things that BUG me

Well pug and doggie friends, it's happened. After avoiding them all summer, I gots the fleas. Mommy noticed Murphy and I were itchy, but she thought it was allergies, until she noticed how raw my neck was. (See my little bald spot in this picture?)

She thinks part of it is my harness, which I hadn't worn for a while after my surgery (that little story will come soon), but part is the fleas. She doesn't like to give us Frontline unless she has to because it's so harsh, but tomorrow we're going to get some.

Mommy is sending Murphy and me to bed with a baby Benedryl so we won't be so itchy. I wonder if the guilt she feels will get me more cookies. Maybe she'll even make me some more homemade ones! She says she's not a good cook but she makes the BEST peanut butter cookies. I love them!

I gots to go and snuggle with Mommy. She's awful worried about me so I must console her.

The Duke of Whirl

Moving forward

You meet a guy, you fall in love and you get married. And you live happily ever after. Right? Well, yes, but the happily ever after can be a journey and journeys have their ups and down.

No matter how much in love you are, you have to remember these two people came together but before there was a husband and wife, they lived completely different lives. And they have different personalities, no matter how much they have in common.

Jeff and I lived together for nearly two years before we got married. He saw the good and the bad and so did I. I let his leaving his black socks in the middle of the living room by and he's accepted my chewing my toothbrush to death as I walk around the house. But there's still so much to find out about each other as we move forward and forge a life together.

I'm a horrible bill payer. I got behind a little and now I'm working my butt off with OT and trying to find a part time job so we I can pay everything off. And Jeff is trying to pick up extra shifts so he can do the same, although he's much more organized than I am.

We want a house, with more than one bedroom. We want a family that included a baby and Cella. Isn't this what everyone wants? To me it seems like everyone else has this but us.

I realize part of it is that I'm not getting any younger and I can hear that proverbial clock ticking in my ears. It's deafening. And every time I see a baby or hear of someone else pregnant it sends me into a variety of emotions. And even being around kids makes sends my mind and heart reeling. Will I ever have this? What will it do to my life? Our life? Sigh....

My head and my heart both feel very busy lately. Work has been crazy and all this talk of bills, houses and babies has been on edge at times. But I have to believe we will get ahead and we will find what God has in his plan for us.

Stepping onto my turf

So not only am a new bride and a woman looking to have a child, I'm also a step mom. It's a great job because Jeff's daughter is really sweet, well mannered and genuine. She crazes love and she's happy to get it from Jeff and I or from her mother and his boyfriend. I've never had that moment when those four words every step parent dreds leaves her lips and hits my ears "You're not my mother." She's happy to take direction from me and gives me the upmost respect.

This is something she obviously gets from Jeff. Eh hem...

Yes ladies and gentlemen, it's a classic relationship between the old wife and the new. Now, we do play nice, mostly through gritted teeth. We don't speak ill of her in our house and we'd like to think that she does the same. But as nice as you are and as hard as you bite your tongue, there is always that kind of tension. It's a you vs. them kind of game. It's unspoken, but it's a game.

Tonight Jeff's ex and her boyfriend came over to pick Jeff's daughter up. We had her last night as a bonus (it wasn't our weekend) so we offered them dinner at our house. Jeff grilled and I played nice while he was outside. We talked about neutral topics, or at least what we thought was neutral.

I went cutain shopping my mom this afternoon while Jeff and his daughter watched a movie, so I told her about them. I told her the color and even showed her a picture (they are on order). Simple topic? Noooooooooooo "I bought two panels, they said it should be enough."

She thought that wasn't enough. "Oh no, the sales woman insisted they were." She tried to tell me I needed two more. I bit my tongue. "Oh trust me, my mom is the curtain queen and she said that was fine." She insisted that it wasn't.

"But really, I don't ever close them and both my mom and the sales lady said that would be perfect." She started to tell me that I needed a new rod. "Oh, no, this is the right rod. My mom knows what I have and she's certain it will work."

She started again and I could feel the cat in me ready to hiss. I wanted to yell "I'M 36 YEARS OLD AND A DAUGHTER AND GRANDDAUGHTER OF TWO WOMEN HOPELESSY DEVOTED TO THE ART OF CURTAINS! BACK THE F--- OFF!" But I didn't. Instead I decided Jeff needed help at the grill. And I got a kiss from the grill master to his curtain mistress.

Do I want to tell her what I really think of her many times? Oh yes. Will I ever? Probably not. Why? Because I love Jeff and his daughter too much. As Jeff friend said once, as he witnessed first hand how calm, collected and friendly I was towards her, "Dude, you are so going to heaven. Rock on!" LOL!

But it's true, I do it for Jeff. And I get my zings in from time to time. (Umm, I know she used our bathroom and, well, I guess I just didn't put the EPT package totally out of view. Jeff said she had to have seen it.

ZING!

Through a child's eyes

Well, another "not pregnant" on the EPT and a visit from Aunt Flo confirmed that we are not having a baby. It's not the right time for it, but all the while I can't help but wish the stick said something different. I even left it out for the day hoping that maybe it'd change it's mind. But it was pretty firm in its announcement. NOT PREGNANT from the tiny digital screen glared at me all day.

I was more upset about that little screen than I thought I'd be. I think part of it was hormonal it being that time of the month.

But part of it is I didn't realize how much I wanted it. I love my step daughter, and it's nice to be a part of her life. I just don't see her that much and I don't really get the opportunity to parent her. This isn't Jeff's fault at all, because he sees her less than I do. It's just how it's working out. (I'm going to refrain from any editorial comments, but it's not Jeff's fault, at all, eh hem.)

And it's wonderful to be a part of my nephews' lives. Seeing one from a baby to walking is awesome. I remember when he took his first steps for me I was in utter amazement. And as I squealed with delight you could see how proud he was at impressing his auntie. And hearing the three year old spell his name for us is utter bliss. He's so darn smart I can hardly stand it. I'm blessed to be a part of their lives.

It's nice to see all the wonder the holidays hold for my step daughter and nephews. A friend of mine asked me today "Did the Easter bunny hide colored eggs for you?" And I told her no, but he did hide chocolate eggs. And I immediately took a trip down memory lane, in the eyes of a five year old.

I remember coming down the stairs from my bedroom and seeing all the foiled, covered eggs, in their metallic wrappers, hidden all over the house. From on top of the buttons on our eight-track stereo to the higher hiding places, like on the shadow box, next to my mother's Hummels. It was so much fun discovering where he'd put them. I can just imagine my parents' waiting for us to go to sleep and then hiding the chocolates for us. What fun!

A few days before Easter my Mom would get out to Paas kit and the house smelled of vinegar. Dad would measure it with the water and we'd drop the color tabs. It seems like an eternity before the little cups were ready to drop the eggs in. I loved using the clear crayon to write on the eggs before we dropped them in the water. Every member of the family would get one, even the cat and dog! But of course, my sister and I would eat theirs for them.

And the night before we'd put our Easter baskets out, complete with new grass, for the bunny to fill. We'd also leave him a carrot to snack on during his many trips. He'd always give me a Cadbury cream egg and the mini chocolate eggs. And there would be toys, like bracelets for a necklace. Then my dad would make us breakfast and we'd put on our Easter best and head to church. My mom and grandmother would make us matching ones each year. My favorite part was the white shawl with fringe with the little slits in the sides for our glove-covered hands to poke through.

The church smelled of fragrant lilies, tulips and other Easter flowers, all arranged perfectly on the alter. We'd get there early because on Easter it was always packed. We'd wait for the priest to bless us with holy water and we'd wait for the best part, at least I thought it was, shaking hands with people all around us.

After church we'd head to my grandma and grandpa's house where the Easter bunny stopped once again! Our cousins would be there and it'd be a full house. And my grandmother would cook a ham dinner. I wasn't too keen on the ham but I loved having everyone around. We'd stay until the evening and then my parents would pack us back into the car. It was always a full day and a fun one.
 
Looking back on these days, I just can't help but wish that God has it in his plans for Jeff and I to have a little boy or girl to start our own traditions and share our own memories with. And looking around at all the new babies at work and at church makes the holidays a little bitter sweet