Through a child's eyes

Well, another "not pregnant" on the EPT and a visit from Aunt Flo confirmed that we are not having a baby. It's not the right time for it, but all the while I can't help but wish the stick said something different. I even left it out for the day hoping that maybe it'd change it's mind. But it was pretty firm in its announcement. NOT PREGNANT from the tiny digital screen glared at me all day.

I was more upset about that little screen than I thought I'd be. I think part of it was hormonal it being that time of the month.

But part of it is I didn't realize how much I wanted it. I love my step daughter, and it's nice to be a part of her life. I just don't see her that much and I don't really get the opportunity to parent her. This isn't Jeff's fault at all, because he sees her less than I do. It's just how it's working out. (I'm going to refrain from any editorial comments, but it's not Jeff's fault, at all, eh hem.)

And it's wonderful to be a part of my nephews' lives. Seeing one from a baby to walking is awesome. I remember when he took his first steps for me I was in utter amazement. And as I squealed with delight you could see how proud he was at impressing his auntie. And hearing the three year old spell his name for us is utter bliss. He's so darn smart I can hardly stand it. I'm blessed to be a part of their lives.

It's nice to see all the wonder the holidays hold for my step daughter and nephews. A friend of mine asked me today "Did the Easter bunny hide colored eggs for you?" And I told her no, but he did hide chocolate eggs. And I immediately took a trip down memory lane, in the eyes of a five year old.

I remember coming down the stairs from my bedroom and seeing all the foiled, covered eggs, in their metallic wrappers, hidden all over the house. From on top of the buttons on our eight-track stereo to the higher hiding places, like on the shadow box, next to my mother's Hummels. It was so much fun discovering where he'd put them. I can just imagine my parents' waiting for us to go to sleep and then hiding the chocolates for us. What fun!

A few days before Easter my Mom would get out to Paas kit and the house smelled of vinegar. Dad would measure it with the water and we'd drop the color tabs. It seems like an eternity before the little cups were ready to drop the eggs in. I loved using the clear crayon to write on the eggs before we dropped them in the water. Every member of the family would get one, even the cat and dog! But of course, my sister and I would eat theirs for them.

And the night before we'd put our Easter baskets out, complete with new grass, for the bunny to fill. We'd also leave him a carrot to snack on during his many trips. He'd always give me a Cadbury cream egg and the mini chocolate eggs. And there would be toys, like bracelets for a necklace. Then my dad would make us breakfast and we'd put on our Easter best and head to church. My mom and grandmother would make us matching ones each year. My favorite part was the white shawl with fringe with the little slits in the sides for our glove-covered hands to poke through.

The church smelled of fragrant lilies, tulips and other Easter flowers, all arranged perfectly on the alter. We'd get there early because on Easter it was always packed. We'd wait for the priest to bless us with holy water and we'd wait for the best part, at least I thought it was, shaking hands with people all around us.

After church we'd head to my grandma and grandpa's house where the Easter bunny stopped once again! Our cousins would be there and it'd be a full house. And my grandmother would cook a ham dinner. I wasn't too keen on the ham but I loved having everyone around. We'd stay until the evening and then my parents would pack us back into the car. It was always a full day and a fun one.
 
Looking back on these days, I just can't help but wish that God has it in his plans for Jeff and I to have a little boy or girl to start our own traditions and share our own memories with. And looking around at all the new babies at work and at church makes the holidays a little bitter sweet